Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Shopping
I'm not adverse to occasional retail therapy (usually books or music) but I loath shopping for clothes with a passion! I guess it has something to do with the fact that I look dreadful in most anything and no matter what I would like to wear, I can't. So I don't shop until it becomes absolutely necessary and then I am half hearted about it.
It comes as somewhat of a revelation to accompany someone who loves to dress up, loves to shop for that special item for the next Big Night Out.
Time was of the essence and finding an appropriately sized black patent leather shoe or boot with a high heel for this friend was challenging. Never fear, dear reader, as the wonderful proprietress of Transitions by Celeste came to the rescue.
A quick trip after work last night and the boy was in seventh heaven.... there were gangster style pumps in black and white, delectable white courts with lockable ankle straps, pink pumps and the most alluring pair of black patent leater knee highs some what similar to these:
They fitted..... but he had to try others just in case.....this was his first excursion into heels.....and he managed them well on the soft carpet. The event is in two days and there is no time for him to get in much practice wearing them. They looked so cute, the heels and the toes just peeping out from under the hem of his suit trousers!
What was he going to do? Of course they came home with us....how could he have resisted?
He had been extremely nervous on the car on the trip over, expressing doubt as to the whys and wherefores of what he was doing. When we returned to the car with the box carefully placed in the back seat, he turned to me and grinned: "I'm sooo excited!!!! I just love this dressing up bit!"
It is so nice to see someone gain pleasure from shopping.
It comes as somewhat of a revelation to accompany someone who loves to dress up, loves to shop for that special item for the next Big Night Out.
Time was of the essence and finding an appropriately sized black patent leather shoe or boot with a high heel for this friend was challenging. Never fear, dear reader, as the wonderful proprietress of Transitions by Celeste came to the rescue.
A quick trip after work last night and the boy was in seventh heaven.... there were gangster style pumps in black and white, delectable white courts with lockable ankle straps, pink pumps and the most alluring pair of black patent leater knee highs some what similar to these:
They fitted..... but he had to try others just in case.....this was his first excursion into heels.....and he managed them well on the soft carpet. The event is in two days and there is no time for him to get in much practice wearing them. They looked so cute, the heels and the toes just peeping out from under the hem of his suit trousers!What was he going to do? Of course they came home with us....how could he have resisted?
He had been extremely nervous on the car on the trip over, expressing doubt as to the whys and wherefores of what he was doing. When we returned to the car with the box carefully placed in the back seat, he turned to me and grinned: "I'm sooo excited!!!! I just love this dressing up bit!"
It is so nice to see someone gain pleasure from shopping.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Being at Cross Purposes...
NO No NO No NO, you silly duffer... not Cross Dressing - Cross purposes!!
Talk about a case of wishful thinking.
Wishful thinking is something we are all guilty of at one time or another. Hoping against hope that something might turn your way for once and your deepest darkest desires would be met. Or is this, in fact, one of the other class of Hope - unrealistic expectation?
Consider this scenario:
Party A (let's call them Boss) has in the past played a significant role in the life of Party B (shall from here on in be known as the slave) Its been an intense relationship under specific pressure because the slave needed privacy.
The Boss was prepared to sacrifice many things to this need for privacy. The Boss was not prepared to accept being treated as anything less than THE MOST SIGNIFICANT BOSS IN ALL THE WORLD to this lowly slave. This was a more than mutually acceptable thing to both parties.
The Boss willingly disciplined the slave where necessary, enjoyed many an adventurous escapade in the limited time the slave was allowed and generally made life all the more bearable for the miserable creature. The slave deeply appreciated this generosity on the part of The Boss as the slave was painfully aware that its restriction of privacy and all that it entailed was a handicap to this relationship.
The slave became increasingly uncomfortable with this need for privacy, and became more and more self obsessed eventually asking that the Boss allow it to return to its normal life. Much to the Boss' displeasure, the creature was allowed its freedom.
The slave knew this decision on the part of the Boss was hurtful and damaging, so it promised to continue to be a friend in the real world.
The Boss accepted this offer but was skeptical of how this would work given the slave was so needful of the Boss' firm guiding hand. The Boss knew that the slave would have trouble resisting the allure of its previous comfortable, pleasurable existence under the Boss' wing.
There were several occasions when the slave's manner and behaviour indicated it might well have reconsidered its request for freedom and was desperately wanting back in. The Boss reminded it of it's choice and checked it continuously for overstepping the mark.
Most recently, the Boss had been absent and contact in that real world had been limited. It was a significant time in the history of the slave and the Boss - it was a birthday and the anniversary of their first face to face meeting and together these were two significant events that had always been recognised and celebrated.
It seems they are no longer of importance to the slave.
Was it wishful thinking on the part of the Boss to have expected the slave would have remembered and found the time without being prompted?
Was it an unrealistic expectation on the part of the Boss to be considered anything more than a distraction from the ho hum humdrum of the slave's boring miserable life?
Apparently the answers to these questions are a) yes and b) yes.
Definitely wishful thinking and an unrealistic expectation.
Damn.
Reality is a bugger!
Talk about a case of wishful thinking.
Wishful thinking is something we are all guilty of at one time or another. Hoping against hope that something might turn your way for once and your deepest darkest desires would be met. Or is this, in fact, one of the other class of Hope - unrealistic expectation?
Consider this scenario:
Party A (let's call them Boss) has in the past played a significant role in the life of Party B (shall from here on in be known as the slave) Its been an intense relationship under specific pressure because the slave needed privacy.
The Boss was prepared to sacrifice many things to this need for privacy. The Boss was not prepared to accept being treated as anything less than THE MOST SIGNIFICANT BOSS IN ALL THE WORLD to this lowly slave. This was a more than mutually acceptable thing to both parties.
The Boss willingly disciplined the slave where necessary, enjoyed many an adventurous escapade in the limited time the slave was allowed and generally made life all the more bearable for the miserable creature. The slave deeply appreciated this generosity on the part of The Boss as the slave was painfully aware that its restriction of privacy and all that it entailed was a handicap to this relationship.
The slave became increasingly uncomfortable with this need for privacy, and became more and more self obsessed eventually asking that the Boss allow it to return to its normal life. Much to the Boss' displeasure, the creature was allowed its freedom.
The slave knew this decision on the part of the Boss was hurtful and damaging, so it promised to continue to be a friend in the real world.
The Boss accepted this offer but was skeptical of how this would work given the slave was so needful of the Boss' firm guiding hand. The Boss knew that the slave would have trouble resisting the allure of its previous comfortable, pleasurable existence under the Boss' wing.
There were several occasions when the slave's manner and behaviour indicated it might well have reconsidered its request for freedom and was desperately wanting back in. The Boss reminded it of it's choice and checked it continuously for overstepping the mark.
Most recently, the Boss had been absent and contact in that real world had been limited. It was a significant time in the history of the slave and the Boss - it was a birthday and the anniversary of their first face to face meeting and together these were two significant events that had always been recognised and celebrated.
It seems they are no longer of importance to the slave.
Was it wishful thinking on the part of the Boss to have expected the slave would have remembered and found the time without being prompted?
Was it an unrealistic expectation on the part of the Boss to be considered anything more than a distraction from the ho hum humdrum of the slave's boring miserable life?
Apparently the answers to these questions are a) yes and b) yes.
Definitely wishful thinking and an unrealistic expectation.
Damn.
Reality is a bugger!
Still, its nice to have pipe dreams.......
....Maybe Santa will deliver one of these to every good girl or boy this Christmas? ;)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Realisation has Dawned
It has been some time since I felt motivated to write here. My motivation for coming to this space and expressing my thoughts about my life in both words and pictures had somehow fizzled out. I felt no desire to expose myself nor to spend time examining why it was I could no longer make comment.
Yesterday, a series of events occurred - minor things in the scheme of things - but together they brought a word bubbling up to the top of my mind. It hadn't dawned on me why I was so reluctant to "put myself out there". I was unaware that maybe I was protecting myself from further harm by doing a fair imitation of a turtle and making sure I was nicely tucked up inside my safe hard shell.
I said "no" to someone yesterday.
For me to say no to someone is a rare thing indeed. It is usual I will be as accommodating as possible and when asked if I can help, I will put my own needs on the backburner and do what I can and then some.
I said no.
I had other commitments. I could have managed to fit in this task with some fiddling, but I realised I was being asked because it was known that I would help. I honoured my initial commitments instead.
I was surprised to find I did not feel guilty. I did not feel as if I had let someone down. These are feelings that normally would have dogged me for the rest of the evening, however it seems a page has been turned; a step has been taken; a realisation has dawned.
The person made this request of me was someone who had been very special in my life. Someone so special to me, I would have moved heaven and earth to do anything for in the past.
I had opened my heart and my life to them. I was prepared to share my future with them no matter the cost.
It appeared that this was not enough for them - they wanted something I could not give as it wasn't mine to give. They took it anyway. Having done so, they discarded me. In the taking, they encouraged another to treat me with such a total lack of respect, I could no longer find it within myself to trust them.
It took some time for me to get over the manner in which I had been treated and for me to move on. In the interim, I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and paid the price.
Over this time there were a succession of incidents within my personal relationships that could only be described as disastrous. I was treated with disrespect, lied to repeatedly, let down, discarded by another for purely selfish reasons, saw another long term friendship wither and die. I wondered whether I was to blame, whether I was just incapable of managing to maintain interpersonal relationships with anyone at any level; that I was destined to be alone.
I withdrew into myself only socialising when people expressed the expectation that I should attend a particular event. Even then, I thought twice as to whether I would attend or not. My body shut down - it felt nothing, it responded to nothing - I moved from being a vibrant sexually engaged person to a non responsive piece of flesh and bone. I chose to be by myself. Its not the way to make new alliances, new friends, build new relationships, I know. But it felt safe. I needed to be safe.
I don't feel sadness, dismay, disappointment, frustration, depression, worthlessness or any other negative feeling when reading this back. I understand what happened all those long months ago and now I know why I reacted as I did.
To those I encounter from day to day, I hope I have retained my dignity in all this. I hope I have not behaved in a manner that could be perceived as rude, distrustful, disrespectful or damaging as I have tried to keep my own counsel and not lower myself to behave in the same way. Some may think that I have done that. Perhaps it is because they haven't taken the time to actually find out what happened and why I have been "aloof".
What was that word that surfaced?
Yesterday, a series of events occurred - minor things in the scheme of things - but together they brought a word bubbling up to the top of my mind. It hadn't dawned on me why I was so reluctant to "put myself out there". I was unaware that maybe I was protecting myself from further harm by doing a fair imitation of a turtle and making sure I was nicely tucked up inside my safe hard shell.
I said "no" to someone yesterday.
For me to say no to someone is a rare thing indeed. It is usual I will be as accommodating as possible and when asked if I can help, I will put my own needs on the backburner and do what I can and then some.
I said no.
I had other commitments. I could have managed to fit in this task with some fiddling, but I realised I was being asked because it was known that I would help. I honoured my initial commitments instead.
I was surprised to find I did not feel guilty. I did not feel as if I had let someone down. These are feelings that normally would have dogged me for the rest of the evening, however it seems a page has been turned; a step has been taken; a realisation has dawned.
The person made this request of me was someone who had been very special in my life. Someone so special to me, I would have moved heaven and earth to do anything for in the past.
I had opened my heart and my life to them. I was prepared to share my future with them no matter the cost.
It appeared that this was not enough for them - they wanted something I could not give as it wasn't mine to give. They took it anyway. Having done so, they discarded me. In the taking, they encouraged another to treat me with such a total lack of respect, I could no longer find it within myself to trust them.
It took some time for me to get over the manner in which I had been treated and for me to move on. In the interim, I allowed myself to be taken advantage of and paid the price.
Over this time there were a succession of incidents within my personal relationships that could only be described as disastrous. I was treated with disrespect, lied to repeatedly, let down, discarded by another for purely selfish reasons, saw another long term friendship wither and die. I wondered whether I was to blame, whether I was just incapable of managing to maintain interpersonal relationships with anyone at any level; that I was destined to be alone.
I withdrew into myself only socialising when people expressed the expectation that I should attend a particular event. Even then, I thought twice as to whether I would attend or not. My body shut down - it felt nothing, it responded to nothing - I moved from being a vibrant sexually engaged person to a non responsive piece of flesh and bone. I chose to be by myself. Its not the way to make new alliances, new friends, build new relationships, I know. But it felt safe. I needed to be safe.
I don't feel sadness, dismay, disappointment, frustration, depression, worthlessness or any other negative feeling when reading this back. I understand what happened all those long months ago and now I know why I reacted as I did.
To those I encounter from day to day, I hope I have retained my dignity in all this. I hope I have not behaved in a manner that could be perceived as rude, distrustful, disrespectful or damaging as I have tried to keep my own counsel and not lower myself to behave in the same way. Some may think that I have done that. Perhaps it is because they haven't taken the time to actually find out what happened and why I have been "aloof".
What was that word that surfaced?
Betrayal.
Friday, June 26, 2009
More electro stimulation
Found this little darling on Red Ferret .....
Wonder just what use those who like this sort of play would make of this??
This is the Acupuncture Pen Plus:
Go here to read all about it!!!
Wonder just what use those who like this sort of play would make of this??
This is the Acupuncture Pen Plus:
Go here to read all about it!!!
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
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